OREGON DUCK FOOTBALL COACH INJURED

Chip Kelly, the head football coach at the University of Oregon, was injured last night in what college spokesmen are calling "An unfortunate Pep-rally demonstration."

Kelly (seen here in photo of incident) did not respond to calls to his office.  Several unnamed Oregon football players have relayed information acknowledging the incident, referring to it as an "Inspirational moment gone bad."

Jesus: "Oregon State will win the Civil War"

Portland, OR (UPI) In a statement sure to ruffle the feathers of Duck faithful in prisons and welfare lines everywhere, Jesus today announced his pick of the 113th Civil War football game, to be played thursday night in Gommorah-esque Eugene. "They are mostly godless heathens, those duck folk. I won't feel bad at all in putting a grand on the Beavs!"   Jesus added that he will be watching the game with Beaver faithful in Tualatin, Oregon, including famous OSU alumn Todd C Wilson.  Before being whisked away by his assistants, Jesus added "I'm not going anywhere near that Tower of Babel, I'll be with my peeps & Jack on ice."

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Famous Duck Alumns: # 34 Jeffrey Dahmer and #113 Chris Miller

Dahmer, U of O class of '82, is known best for his penchant of eating other humans, he was a roommate of former Oregon quarterback Chris Miller, also a known cannibal.  University of Oregon: Zombie factory.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon State Coach Mike Riley: Made Bear Bryant cry

In the National Championship season of 1973 while playing for the Alabama Crimson Tide, Mike composed and performed a folk song about the legendary gridiron coach Bear Bryant while on the busride to the Sugar Bowl. It was the only known time that Mr.Bryant wept in public.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon coach Chip Kelly: Frightened by Beaver.

Chipper is known for being an original member of the 80's douche-band Men Without Hats.  He is also known to smell like cheese and foot powder.

Dick Armey: Right-Wing Army of idiots.

Washington (AP) Former US representative Richard K. "Dick" Armey said today that he owed much of his career success to the fact that "Right-wingers are mostly idiots, which makes them so easy to control". Speaking before a packed house at the Dulles airport AmericaInn, Armey delivered his message of "straight-talk" to a crowd consisting mainly of members of the FreedomWorks right-wing propaganda machine. The apparent insult didn't seem to have any negative affect upon the conservatives, in fact just the opposite as the room of red faced white people frothed at the mouth as Armey openly denounced their collective intelligence.

("Dick"Armey pictured at the event demonstrating a Karate move alongside his constant companion, the Disgraced Tom delay, who spoke nothing but seemed to be mouthing silently word-for-word Armey's speech, while frozen in place with a glazed look in his eyes)

 After leaving the podium, Armey was asked to clarify his remarks and said only "These people know what I'm talking about, they want it loud and with no intellectual bs." He then added, "Obama has more brains in one of his farts than we have here in FreedomWorks, but that's not what counts you see".  Before hoisting Delay upon his shoulder and slipping out of the service access, Armey wrapped up his speech to delirious applause by reciting the FreedomWorks credo: "We're not smart, we're just right or more good",

Velazquez mystery revealed!

Madrid: 356 years ago, Diego Velazquez delivered a cryptic message painted as a reflection in a palace mirror. The image, receded in the background of one of the world's greatest paintings titled "Las Meninas", has baffled scholars since the artwork went on public display 200 years ago.  
Technology, it seems, has at long last revealed the ghostly image in clarity, and that clarity has produced a shocking revelation: Irish balladeer Bono has lived for at least 400 years.

Representatives of the Prado museum disclosed the eerie visage before a room of shocked reporters and dignitaries. A recent maintenance and cleaning of the masterwork gave opporunity for an array of high-tech gadgetry that was used in scanning the painting for the first time in seventeen years. " I terrifically shocked!" announced Brettelo Mosherino, a Velazquez specialty curator for the Prado. "There had been the rumors you see, but we all thought them funny business, now I see for myself and I am wondering like everyone, who is this Bono?" A news conference scheduled for Friday afternoon in Dublin could shed some light upon that subject, as handlers for the rock and roll band U2 have hastily arranged a briefing in the Dublin docklands.

STRAIGHT TALKIN' JESUS: Limbaugh in Satanic pact.

Today,with millions praying for a Rush Limbaugh heart attack, Jesus donned his straight talkin' hat and posted this dispatch from the road.

STJ: Salutations all, Jesus here. I want to let people know that I have heard the pleas for the death of Mr. Limbaugh, and I have to tell you all, there is nothing I can do. You'll have to send your requests to Satan for this one, he's had the papers on Limbaugh for several years now.

Apparently, it was the depths of an Oxycontin bender in 2005 that had Rush sell out the remaining interest on his withered soul while on a drug junket to Havana. Coincidentally, Limbaugh did indeed have recent heart failure and was clinically dead for thirty-seven minutes this past Monday before being "miraculously" revived. It was the eleventh heart attack and eighth death that Limbaugh has suffered since signing his deal with the Devil. Sadly for this world however, the republican party and Beelzebub have a deal in place that will keep Rush alive for at least seven more months, with an option on monthly roll-overs after that. Rush Limbaugh is indeed far from alone in this, as the Republicans have a veritable Satan's Army on their payroll.

Well, everyone take care, we'll talk soon. Jesus.

Gay Caballeros get a Boehner!

(Washington AP) The now infamous 1979 "Orgy of the Little People", which was brought to mass media attention by Senator Joe Lieberman (treehorn! 9/03/08), has seen it's legend grow with the announcement that Republican House Majority leader John Boehner was a participant in the midget wrestling troupe's Pittsburgh sexcapade.

"I'm here to talk about how the Democrats are ruining the country, what with their condoms and their education and all...I'm not here to rehash some night thirty years ago, with Lil' Rambone, who was just about this tall..." (the accompanying gesture is pictured above). After further railing against Democrat's 'foul' morality, Boehner was asked if this wasn't hypocritical posturing,
"I don't see what the damn hippos have to do with it! For Christ's sake, I've never been to Africa." With that, Boehner stormed from the podium, loudly berating the 'liberal press' and shouting to an assistant to "Get Hannity on the goddamn phone!".

Michael Phelps party photographer revealed!

Gossip mongers TMZ today revealed the identity of the college student responsible for the cellphone bong photo of Olympic hero Michael Phelps. Frederick Bard-Muntz, seen here in a University of South Carolina yearbook photo, had admitted to taking the photo and also to having no regrets as to the publicity surrounding it. "He's a jock and he comes all in the party and he's like, hey everybody! I'm Mike Phelps! And I'm like, so who the hell cares? And he's like, I'm getting all these college girls! But I was there before him and I almost said Hi to one of those girls. So I like, yell at him 'hey floogart', which is obviously Klingon for ass**le, and he doesn't even know what that means, then he like burped real loud and I took out the iphone and got him when he took his turn on the ootnit, which is obviously Klingon for bong. If he has problems then he deserved it, stupid flerf."

Late Saturday, Bard-Muntz was arrested by Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, and was charged with "photographing marijuana in the process of being smoked" which oddly enough carries a stiffer sentence than actually smoking the pot. Gnorf enocgh!

Etrade Baby clipped for Reefer Madness

New York, NY (UPI) 

The latest salvo in the war on celebrity herb enthusiasts was felt today as spokesmen for online stock trading company Etrade announced that Ron Fardner was released from his contract. Known as the talking baby in the company's series of popular television commercials, Fardner had achieved international fame and was recently signed to a multi-picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

The fallout was a result of a series of controversial photos, one of which is shown here, which were leaked to the media showing Fardner smoking what appears to be marijuana from a Blackberry model pipe. Fardner reps released a statement from the actor in which he admits being present at the college party where the photo was taken, but denies that he was smoking the Blackberry but rather "gumming" the device to sooth emerging teeth.

Dick Cheney Kicked to Curb

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shown being wheeled into a restroom during the inauguration of Barack Obama, was apparently injured in a confrontation with a disgruntled servant. Reports had initially detailed "box moving" as the culprit in relegating Cheney to a wheelchair for the inauguration ceremony. However, it has been confirmed that it was in fact a fistfight with Roland Nood, an outgoing houseboy with the vice-Presidential residence. Describing the event as a "beatdown", witnesses which included several laborers with a moving company detailed hearing Cheney make a "remark" about Nood's height. "Roland's tough, he's short you know but he's bad and he just had enough of that Cheney I guess, who knows. Hell, I just wanted to get that box of tubes out to the van" said staffer Roy Hilton. Other staffers told stories of "getting the business" from the Vice President during his tenure, and were in strong support of Nood's reaction. It was also reported that though a secret service detail was in place at the time, no immediate effort was made to
separate the men and that the pummeling was stopped only to cease the "horrible wails and shrieks" that came from Dick Cheney. Nood was not arrested.

JESUS: The Interview, Part II

EDITOR"S NOTE: This is the second installment of the Roger Ninepipe interview with Jesus, from Charles Barley's poolside cabana in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Roger Ninepipe: Jesus, let's talk a bit on current events. We have a new President here in the States, did you follow the election?

JC: Yes.

RN: Your thoughts?

JC: Well, to say the least, it was nice to see Americans pull their heads out of their proverbial rear-ends. Obama is the real deal there, a natural leader of this country as opposed to a corporate figurehead, which is what you had for the past eight years.
To say that I was shocked at the performance of this Bush/Cheney disaster? Really? I have not seen a more dangerous group of men and women hold power over a free people in human history. It has always taken totalitarianism in some form or fashion, a dictator with unchecked control for example, to inflict such heavy-handedness upon a system. But you all let it happen. Yes, I know all about the vast numbers who disagreed with this agenda, but where did that lead? Reelection is what happened, and another four years of these greedy bastards. I'll give you the Supreme court fiasco that put this idiocy in motion, but to reelect this group of evil clowns... I hate to say it, but you got what you deserved.

RN: Whew.

JC: Hey, you wanted the word, yes? I will tell you one thing: there is going to be some very nervous souls approaching the Pearly Gates in the next few years. I am going to take a very personal involvement on those dates. Let's just say, fellas, if your last name rhymes with sheney, or moolfowitz, or bumsfeld then you better plan on a very warm eternity.

RN: What about rhymes with tush? Haven't you forgot about him?

JC: The jury is out on that fellow, there is quite a bit of gray area there. George has a pair of very dirty hands, but to the extent that he knowingly participated in malfeasance and evil well, we are talking about a man of very limited intelligence here.

RN: Many people honestly believe that his goonery and buffoonery has been an act, and that he is much smarter than he has let on.

JC: Nope. He's a doofus for sure, with the IQ and emotional maturity of a seventeen year-old high school dropout. He believes what he is told, and they told him some very heavy things. He's not off the hook by any means, there's a lot that he's accountable for and he certainly has some work to do with his soulful future, but I have hope. The others? Michael Vick has a better chance of becoming president of the ASPCA. It just isn't going to happen.

RN: Let's talk economy. How about this bailout for corporate America?

JC: You all know where I stand on greed and avarice. THE RICHEST 300,000 AMERICANS HAVE A GREATER INCOME THAN THE BOTTOM 150 MILLION. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the American government takes care of it's own. These CEOs are literally stealing from the American public, and laughing all the way. Again, I will be taking a very active role in the soulful journeys of these characters. Let me give you a hint Roger, there a re very few people of wealth where I come from. For any number of reasons, they just don't seem to get it in time. Your system is a culpable enabler, it does not reward selfless wealth and development. I see great potential in capitalism, it just is not being handled correctly.

RN: But Obama, you endorse his leadership?

JC: I have an Obamanos! sticker on my Volvo. We have a good relationship, he and I. You all are in good hands with that bunch, a very good family there. His wife is going to surprise a lot of folks with her work, and those kids are going to be an inspiration. Also, I have to tell you this, his brother-in-law Craig Robinson is in his first year of coaching the Oregon State Beavers basketball team. It's been said that it would take an act of God to put a winner back on the court in Corvallis. Keep an eye on that team and that coach, that's all I am saying.

NEXT in Part III: The lighter side of JC

Straight Talkin' Jesus: The Interview

We here at the Treehorn are happy to announce the return of JESUS! Roger Ninepipe (RN) interviews the King, poolside from Chuck Barkley's house in Scottsdale Arizona. Here is part one.

RN: It's great to see you again Jesus, welcome!
JC: Hello Roger, it's good to be here.
RN: Firstly, let me tell you, that shirt is fantastic. Is it an actual Papa Johns uniform?
JC: It's the real deal. I have been delivering pies for a couple of weeks now, I've learned quite a bit.
RN: It appeared that you were dropped off here for the interview by Michael Bolton, are you two working together?
JC: Mike is managing the Division street location, he's been great. My first day I was stiffed on two large Hawaiian luau specials, that is about a thirty-five dollar loss. Mike was a little upset but really stayed supportive, the patience of Job with this guy! My final day is next wednesday, and Mike has promised to take me golfing.
RN: Mercy!
JC: I'll say.
RN: It was nice of Charles Barkley to let us get together here by his pool. How did you come to choose this location?
JC: Chuck has had some troubles with his driving of recent, but we actually were already close. I first got to know him through a ventriloquist class that he was teaching last year over at the community college.
RN: You're joking!
JC: Why would I lie? I love the old vaudvillian arts, and I've wanted to try my hand since meeting Waylon Flowers at a Hollywood Squares reunion a while back (Jesus motion towards the heavens at this point). Interestingly, his mortal life ended when he was beaten to death with his own dummy, that outrageous Madame. You know, for a while there I really thought she was alive.
RN: I am speechless.
JC: Anyway, Charles is a really terrific ventriloquist. He has an act with an old-west era asian dummy. They have a schtik set up around building the railroads that will make you pee in your pants. Very un-PC however.
RN: Now I've heard it all.
JC: Not even close my friend.

Next in part II: Jesus talks bailout.

Joe the Plumber finds work

Hammansburg, Ohio AP: America's latest idiot posterboy Joe the Plumber, was hired by the Mccain campaign today, sources have revealed. The would-be plumber, Joe Wurlzowiener, seen here at an Ohio GOP fundraiser, will assist Sarah Palin with maintenance on the campaign bus for the remainder of the race. "I'm stoked, man" said Wurlzowiener, "The old man really came through!" He added "I wasn't really into that whole plumbing job thing, anyway".

Joe the Plumber apparently has been an immediate hit with the Mccain road crew, reportedly lighting his flatulence on the long drive from Defiance to Upper Sandusky. Between drive-by visits to local churches, John Mccain commented on the hire by shouting to reporters "He's a REAL American, and he can lift very heavy things!" Sarah Palin was unavailable for comment. Her husband Chet, interestingly, was a plumber with the Washington State Penal system in 1989.

Virgin Mary seen in beer soaked napkin: Mccain supporters rejoice.

Nub, Wyoming UPI: Religious zealots have been flocking to this small town to witness what they believe to be the Virgin Mary image in a napkin. The napkin, sodden by a Oregon micro-brew, appears to have two eyes and a contorted mouth. "I thought the damn rapture was a-comin' on" said Claude William Roger, a local sno-cat repairman and wolf antagonist. "This is proof that she has returned to help us keep that Obama, Godless as he is, out of our Whitehouse!"

The napkin has been kept moist by a volunteer cadre of church elders and politicians, working around-the-clock shifts. "Jesus loves us, so he sent his momma down in this napkin to warn us", Small business employee Eunice kork told reporters gathered as she took her turn with the visage. "Just look how beautiful she is. I just cry when I look, and it reminds me that our God is the best God, I'm voting for Cain! (sic)"

A Mccain spokesman said Friday, "We see this as a very good sign"

Bill O'Reilly killed by hungry racing pigs

Bearcreek Montana: Shortly after the exciting finish of this pig race, Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly was killed and eaten after falling into the pig-paddock between events. Spectators reported that O'reilly straddled the metal fence surrounding the animals, and was openly swilling from a bottle of Night Train fortified wine, heavily intoxicated. At the very end of the revealing video, O'reilly can be clearly heard drunkenly shouting "Woohooooo!"



Just prior to his fatal fall, O'Reilly was also heard shouting profanities at the group of agitated pigs. Horrifically, after the incident was discovered, the voracious swine could not be driven from the body, devouring the corpse in a matter of minutes. This is the thirty-first such fatality in Montana over the last eleven years.

Sarah Palin: Hobo Killer?

AP Moscow Idaho. It was revealed today that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin may have been involved in a rash of hobo killings in north Idaho from 1985-86. Palin is a suspect in at least one of the killings, and a "person of interest" in twelve other unsolved cases.

Republican spokesman Mark Drake admitted that Palin (seen here in a local police surveillance photo) was indeed a chief suspect in the death of Carl "Happy" Foote, in October of 1985, but said that "It was a very long time ago" and that it was "highly unlikely that killing a hobo was even a crime in north Idaho, at that time". Drake added "We in the Republican party have tremendous respect for women of action like Sarah, if she killed a hobo or two, well, we are certain she had a strong patriotic reason for it" Before she became Governor of Alaska, Palin authored the how-to book "101 Hobo Mantraps", which was a moderate success for small publishing house Red State Readers.

Drunken Lieberman shocks convention

St. Paul Mn. AP: A visibly drunken and salacious Joe Lieberman stunned the crowd here last night at the Republican National convention. After stumbling to the podium and clumsily adjusting a hearing aid, the Senator from Connecticut began an attack on Barack Obama. The direction of his speech however, veered almost immediately into revealing details of a 1979 "Orgy of the little people" in Pittsburgh, in which he took part in group sex with a professional wrestling troupe of male midgets.

Seen in the above photo, Senator Lieberman reminisces about wrestler Lil' Rambone of the Gay Caballeros, and how "he was just about this tall you see, I think you all get the picture". Liebermans handlers moved then to clear the stage, but were driven back when Lieberman took up the convention's giant gavel and leveled a blow to a young intern, severely injuring her. The crowd at this point erupted in chaos, provoking security to mace and taze several members of the Florida delegation, including Bush family member LaFonda Washington-Bush. President George Bush is said to have watched the events unfold on closed-circuit tv, from a bunker under the convention floor, and to have remarked "this is better than Survivor!"

The disruption ended with Lieberman urinating in a potted palm near the western edge of the stage, and then collapsing unconscious. He was dragged quickly behind a curtain. Neither the Lieberman or Republican camps had any comment.

Miller hospitalized

Moscow Idaho, AP. Local celebrity Dick Miller was hospitalized here late Saturday evening after attempting to consume a fancy shirt. An unnamed woman wearing the shirt was slightly injured in the incident, no charges have been filed at this time.
In a statement released to the media Monday, Miller disclosed "I saw a cake-frosting shirt, I thought it was a party favor". He further described the incident as "Regrettable" and "Disturbing". "I had been drinking from a wine-skin full of homemade prune Kahlua", said Miller, "I underestimated the high alcohol content, and believe that the prunes may have been overly fermented or oxygenated in some fashion". Miller added that in his intoxicated confusion, "That shirt looked just like a cake. I don't really like cake, but I love frosting." Miller has apologized to the woman involved, and has reimbursed her towards a new shirt.

This is the seventh arrest for the longtime Moscow gad-about. Well known for his odd comic styling and the catchphrase "Step it off Grandma!" Miller's film and television career has been on the decline since the 1998 big screen clunker "I ate what?" co-starring Corey Haim, though he has recently gained a small cult following as the voice of Stankenstein in the cartoon Drunkula's Castle.