Joe the Plumber finds work

Hammansburg, Ohio AP: America's latest idiot posterboy Joe the Plumber, was hired by the Mccain campaign today, sources have revealed. The would-be plumber, Joe Wurlzowiener, seen here at an Ohio GOP fundraiser, will assist Sarah Palin with maintenance on the campaign bus for the remainder of the race. "I'm stoked, man" said Wurlzowiener, "The old man really came through!" He added "I wasn't really into that whole plumbing job thing, anyway".

Joe the Plumber apparently has been an immediate hit with the Mccain road crew, reportedly lighting his flatulence on the long drive from Defiance to Upper Sandusky. Between drive-by visits to local churches, John Mccain commented on the hire by shouting to reporters "He's a REAL American, and he can lift very heavy things!" Sarah Palin was unavailable for comment. Her husband Chet, interestingly, was a plumber with the Washington State Penal system in 1989.

Virgin Mary seen in beer soaked napkin: Mccain supporters rejoice.

Nub, Wyoming UPI: Religious zealots have been flocking to this small town to witness what they believe to be the Virgin Mary image in a napkin. The napkin, sodden by a Oregon micro-brew, appears to have two eyes and a contorted mouth. "I thought the damn rapture was a-comin' on" said Claude William Roger, a local sno-cat repairman and wolf antagonist. "This is proof that she has returned to help us keep that Obama, Godless as he is, out of our Whitehouse!"

The napkin has been kept moist by a volunteer cadre of church elders and politicians, working around-the-clock shifts. "Jesus loves us, so he sent his momma down in this napkin to warn us", Small business employee Eunice kork told reporters gathered as she took her turn with the visage. "Just look how beautiful she is. I just cry when I look, and it reminds me that our God is the best God, I'm voting for Cain! (sic)"

A Mccain spokesman said Friday, "We see this as a very good sign"