Joe the Plumber finds work

Hammansburg, Ohio AP: America's latest idiot posterboy Joe the Plumber, was hired by the Mccain campaign today, sources have revealed. The would-be plumber, Joe Wurlzowiener, seen here at an Ohio GOP fundraiser, will assist Sarah Palin with maintenance on the campaign bus for the remainder of the race. "I'm stoked, man" said Wurlzowiener, "The old man really came through!" He added "I wasn't really into that whole plumbing job thing, anyway".

Joe the Plumber apparently has been an immediate hit with the Mccain road crew, reportedly lighting his flatulence on the long drive from Defiance to Upper Sandusky. Between drive-by visits to local churches, John Mccain commented on the hire by shouting to reporters "He's a REAL American, and he can lift very heavy things!" Sarah Palin was unavailable for comment. Her husband Chet, interestingly, was a plumber with the Washington State Penal system in 1989.

Virgin Mary seen in beer soaked napkin: Mccain supporters rejoice.

Nub, Wyoming UPI: Religious zealots have been flocking to this small town to witness what they believe to be the Virgin Mary image in a napkin. The napkin, sodden by a Oregon micro-brew, appears to have two eyes and a contorted mouth. "I thought the damn rapture was a-comin' on" said Claude William Roger, a local sno-cat repairman and wolf antagonist. "This is proof that she has returned to help us keep that Obama, Godless as he is, out of our Whitehouse!"

The napkin has been kept moist by a volunteer cadre of church elders and politicians, working around-the-clock shifts. "Jesus loves us, so he sent his momma down in this napkin to warn us", Small business employee Eunice kork told reporters gathered as she took her turn with the visage. "Just look how beautiful she is. I just cry when I look, and it reminds me that our God is the best God, I'm voting for Cain! (sic)"

A Mccain spokesman said Friday, "We see this as a very good sign"

Bill O'Reilly killed by hungry racing pigs

Bearcreek Montana: Shortly after the exciting finish of this pig race, Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly was killed and eaten after falling into the pig-paddock between events. Spectators reported that O'reilly straddled the metal fence surrounding the animals, and was openly swilling from a bottle of Night Train fortified wine, heavily intoxicated. At the very end of the revealing video, O'reilly can be clearly heard drunkenly shouting "Woohooooo!"



Just prior to his fatal fall, O'Reilly was also heard shouting profanities at the group of agitated pigs. Horrifically, after the incident was discovered, the voracious swine could not be driven from the body, devouring the corpse in a matter of minutes. This is the thirty-first such fatality in Montana over the last eleven years.

Sarah Palin: Hobo Killer?

AP Moscow Idaho. It was revealed today that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin may have been involved in a rash of hobo killings in north Idaho from 1985-86. Palin is a suspect in at least one of the killings, and a "person of interest" in twelve other unsolved cases.

Republican spokesman Mark Drake admitted that Palin (seen here in a local police surveillance photo) was indeed a chief suspect in the death of Carl "Happy" Foote, in October of 1985, but said that "It was a very long time ago" and that it was "highly unlikely that killing a hobo was even a crime in north Idaho, at that time". Drake added "We in the Republican party have tremendous respect for women of action like Sarah, if she killed a hobo or two, well, we are certain she had a strong patriotic reason for it" Before she became Governor of Alaska, Palin authored the how-to book "101 Hobo Mantraps", which was a moderate success for small publishing house Red State Readers.

Drunken Lieberman shocks convention

St. Paul Mn. AP: A visibly drunken and salacious Joe Lieberman stunned the crowd here last night at the Republican National convention. After stumbling to the podium and clumsily adjusting a hearing aid, the Senator from Connecticut began an attack on Barack Obama. The direction of his speech however, veered almost immediately into revealing details of a 1979 "Orgy of the little people" in Pittsburgh, in which he took part in group sex with a professional wrestling troupe of male midgets.

Seen in the above photo, Senator Lieberman reminisces about wrestler Lil' Rambone of the Gay Caballeros, and how "he was just about this tall you see, I think you all get the picture". Liebermans handlers moved then to clear the stage, but were driven back when Lieberman took up the convention's giant gavel and leveled a blow to a young intern, severely injuring her. The crowd at this point erupted in chaos, provoking security to mace and taze several members of the Florida delegation, including Bush family member LaFonda Washington-Bush. President George Bush is said to have watched the events unfold on closed-circuit tv, from a bunker under the convention floor, and to have remarked "this is better than Survivor!"

The disruption ended with Lieberman urinating in a potted palm near the western edge of the stage, and then collapsing unconscious. He was dragged quickly behind a curtain. Neither the Lieberman or Republican camps had any comment.

Miller hospitalized

Moscow Idaho, AP. Local celebrity Dick Miller was hospitalized here late Saturday evening after attempting to consume a fancy shirt. An unnamed woman wearing the shirt was slightly injured in the incident, no charges have been filed at this time.
In a statement released to the media Monday, Miller disclosed "I saw a cake-frosting shirt, I thought it was a party favor". He further described the incident as "Regrettable" and "Disturbing". "I had been drinking from a wine-skin full of homemade prune Kahlua", said Miller, "I underestimated the high alcohol content, and believe that the prunes may have been overly fermented or oxygenated in some fashion". Miller added that in his intoxicated confusion, "That shirt looked just like a cake. I don't really like cake, but I love frosting." Miller has apologized to the woman involved, and has reimbursed her towards a new shirt.

This is the seventh arrest for the longtime Moscow gad-about. Well known for his odd comic styling and the catchphrase "Step it off Grandma!" Miller's film and television career has been on the decline since the 1998 big screen clunker "I ate what?" co-starring Corey Haim, though he has recently gained a small cult following as the voice of Stankenstein in the cartoon Drunkula's Castle.

Golf Maniac Wreaks Havoc!

(click to enlarge photo)
AP: Sprit Lake Idaho. A deranged Moscow man, shown here wielding a golf club as the attack began, injured several easy-going men late Sunday afternoon. The men, all members of the local Enlarged Prostate Organization (EPO) were enjoying a barbeque when the attack occurred. "I had reached down for my O'Douls when I saw this blur out of my left eye", said a shaken and visibly welted Dan Mack. "I was lucky and got the jump I needed to get over the rail and into the lake, where I believed he would not follow me. I was wrong however, as he did chase me into the lake," Mack remembers diving below the surface, which slowed the attackers progress, "but he kept coming, and he had sunglasses on, which confused me." Fellow EPO member Brian Brisco, who was recovering from multiple lacerations, reported to police that the suspect was known to all involved, he was identified as former EPO member Gomez "Joe" Roacho.

"I can't believe that he attacked us in this way", said Brisco. "It wasn't even a full golf club, just the shaft, so he was able to really whip us good. I guess it probably had something to do with his being kicked out of the EPO last month." Apparently Roacho was asked to leave the group when it was discovered he had actually faked his prostate enlargement. Police spokesman Honey Goldberg called the attack "puzzling and fiendish", pledging his department's full support in apprehending the suspect.

Straight Talkin' Jesus: Gas Prices

(Editors note: This is the first official posting from our newest correspondent Straight Talkin' Jesus)
Cody, Wyoming. Greetings everyone, reaching out to you from the frontier. I just got back from touring the country in my Minnibago, picking up on the vibe of this great land and I got to tell you, things are darker than Dick Cheney's soul out there.
What I want to talk about today is my gas tank, and how many dang dollars are going in. Granted, I could fill the thing with water, wave my hand a time or two and drive on, but I want to roll like the rest of you. A trip to the local gas station isn't like back in the day, when good ol' Goober would fill 'er up, check the oil, and sell you a pickled gizzard, all for ten bucks. These days you will burn up ten dollars just idling at the stop light, for Me sakes! No wonder the prayers that are pouring in now, most of them asking of heart attacks for corporate oil CEO's. I have to admit I am tempted, but striking down these fat cats won't help and anyway, they'll be getting their due eventually.

I will tell you this, if you voted for Bush then you brought this on yourself. I don't feel the least bit sorry for those of you who helped put that jackass in charge, and if you are in that group of idiots who voted for the guy... Well, your'e on your own now. Let's see, what line of work are Bushies knee deep in? It isn't Soul Glo, I'll tell you that much. So everyone is bent out of shape now, cursing Exxon/Mobil and regretting terribly the decision to buy that big-ass Escalade a couple of years ago (damn Sopranos). Folks, when you have a president who likes to take walks holding hands with the Saudi Crown Prince, you have a problem. Also, if you were dumb enough to buy a ride that sucks gas, even though you new damn well you didn't need that monster truck, then you are paying for your pride now, bub.

Me? I just picked up a used Vespa to scoot around town, and this makes for fewer trips to the town pump. It also makes for some weird looks. Looks like I'm going to have to go with a different wardrobe when I'm on two wheels. J out!

Straight Talkin' Jesus Comes Aboard!

A Treehorn Exclusive from Cody, Wyoming. It was announced today that Straight Talkin' Jesus has joined the Treehorn Group as a special correspondent and will soon begin regular postings from around the globe.

"I have to say that I am very excited to be involved with this project, and am looking forward to discussing candidly the state of affairs as I see them", said a tanned and relaxed STJ, "I have enjoyed my time off, and I am itchin' to get back in the loop, as they say".

STJ's first official post will come June 7.

Moscow man gets new lifejacket

Moscow, Idaho. Longtime resident Jerry "shad" Stubb, known locally as Lifejacket Jerry, seen here in an undated photo, has received a new lifevest from community organizers. Mr Stubb, who has a condition known as "Mushmind", requires wearing a lifejacket at all times. "Ever since I was eight I've had the Sea Legs", said Stubb. His longtime companion, an old boy-scout issued lifejacket that he nicknamed "Mr Highwater", had become so tattered and odiferous that it finally had to be put to rest in early May. "I was sad" Stubb remembers, "I looked at Tri-State for a new one, but there wasn't one that fit me". Stubb is a large man, and locals went into action to find him an appropriate replacement. Last week Stubb was presented the new lifejacket in a ceremony which took place at Ghormley park. "I don't know what to say", said Stubb.

Special Correspondent submission: Obama Chronicles

(Editors note: This article is a submission from Treehorn correspondent Roger Ninepipe, who should not be confused in any way with Carlton Ninepipe, or me for that matter. KR)

Eleven years ago, at a Willie Nelson concert I was set upon grievously by a wirey Obama. It was a sunny summer eve, and I had just purchased a Farm-aid trucker hat. I was adjusting the size band to get the fit right, when out of nowhere this thin fellow appeared from the shadows, grabbing at my new cap. "Aah-Haa!" I shouted, and quickly delivered a fancy asian style foot-move to bring him to his knees. Although he was weakened, I noticed his crazy eyes were looking for another angle of attack. "I got to have that hat, man!" he shouted. I could see then that he had no eyebrows. I was momentarily distracted by this observation, and the Obama took advantage and snatched the cap off my head and sprinted through the crowd. I made quick pursuit but was no match for his high-stepping maneuverability. I was most struck by the freakish wails and shrieks that he produced as he made his escape. I was greatly bothered by the theft, but recovered with an herbal remedy and found my space. I enjoyed the rest of the show with the peace of mind that only Willie, with his pragmatic self-styling, could accomplish.

As I made my way back to my car after the show, I was shocked to come across this Obama! There, in the back of an aging yellow Toyota pickup, stood my hat thief. Gesturing wildly, he was delivering some sort of speech to a small but enthused crowd of hillbilly mountain folk. I slipped closer, but was careful not to be noticed as I sized the situation. "This is it, my people!", he declared over the group. "I believe in two things, and one of those is homemade corn-squeezins!", which brought a roar of toothless approval from the country crowd. "Hell Yeah!", He had my hat pulled down, nearly obscuring his eyes. I could however notice that his vision was focused into the dusty bed of the truck where he had placed a series of cue-cards that guided his rant. He clearly was energizing the now sizeable group, and I knew that my window of opportunity to retrieve the hat was quickly closing. At that moment, a bronze Cadillac in the next space pulled away, parting the crowd momentarily. My chance provided, I leapt quickly into the truck bed and snatched the hat from the Obama head!

I careened away, just escaping his flailing arms. Using the wake of the Caddy, I cut from the crowd and was gone. With only a glancing look back I saw the hillbilly folk swallow the Obama in their inbred embrace, his eyebow-less shock painted forever into my mind. Later I found a packet of Zig-Zag rolling papers tucked in my hat band. Scrawled across the Aqualung look-alike were with the words "disce aut discede". I had a feeling then, that I would be seeing more of this home brewed politico.

(This is the first installment of Ninepipe's "Obama Chronicles". Next: Mind-crime at the Oregon Country Fair.

When garbage goes bad

From this past February,Powell Wyoming. We just received clearance from Homeland Security to release this photo. Apparently our nation's garbage could be at risk for further attack, though this incident was sniffed-out early.