Saturday, November 26, 2011

Oregon Football Coach Arrested

Eugene (UPI) University of Oregon football coach Chip Kelly was arrested in the early morning hours on Saturday, just hours before his team is to face the Oregon State Beavers in the 115th Civil War matchup. Taken into custody at a women's dormitory on campus, Kelly was highly intoxicated and dressed as "Duckman". "I'm Duckman, goddamnit!" screamed Kelly as he was photographed being led to a waiting police van, "You can't touch me! Call Phil Knight!" University spokesmen had no comment, and Kelly is expected to be on the sidelines for today's Civil War game.

University of Oregon: Top Meth Snorters

Eugene (AP)
Drug use at University of Oregon home football games is as common as Willamette Valley rain, but a recent study has the Duck faithful beaming with pride. The big green O finds itself Topping the list of Meth Snorters, as the Federal drug Administration has released its national rankings for 2010-2011 collegiate narcotic abuse. Phil Knight, a noted Oregon Alum, and sneaker salesman, is seen here snorting up a pre-game baggie in the Autzen stadium parking lot earlier this season. Asked whether he was concerned over a Meth cultured image for the Duck, Knight said "How in Hell do you think we come up with those uniform designs?"