Thursday, September 18, 2008

Bill O'Reilly killed by hungry racing pigs

Bearcreek Montana: Shortly after the exciting finish of this pig race, Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly was killed and eaten after falling into the pig-paddock between events. Spectators reported that O'reilly straddled the metal fence surrounding the animals, and was openly swilling from a bottle of Night Train fortified wine, heavily intoxicated. At the very end of the revealing video, O'reilly can be clearly heard drunkenly shouting "Woohooooo!"

Just prior to his fatal fall, O'Reilly was also heard shouting profanities at the group of agitated pigs. Horrifically, after the incident was discovered, the voracious swine could not be driven from the body, devouring the corpse in a matter of minutes. This is the thirty-first such fatality in Montana over the last eleven years.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Sarah Palin: Hobo Killer?

AP Moscow Idaho. It was revealed today that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin may have been involved in a rash of hobo killings in north Idaho from 1985-86. Palin is a suspect in at least one of the killings, and a "person of interest" in twelve other unsolved cases.

Republican spokesman Mark Drake admitted that Palin (seen here in a local police surveillance photo) was indeed a chief suspect in the death of Carl "Happy" Foote, in October of 1985, but said that "It was a very long time ago" and that it was "highly unlikely that killing a hobo was even a crime in north Idaho, at that time". Drake added "We in the Republican party have tremendous respect for women of action like Sarah, if she killed a hobo or two, well, we are certain she had a strong patriotic reason for it" Before she became Governor of Alaska, Palin authored the how-to book "101 Hobo Mantraps", which was a moderate success for small publishing house Red State Readers.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Drunken Lieberman shocks convention

St. Paul Mn. AP: A visibly drunken and salacious Joe Lieberman stunned the crowd here last night at the Republican National convention. After stumbling to the podium and clumsily adjusting a hearing aid, the Senator from Connecticut began an attack on Barack Obama. The direction of his speech however, veered almost immediately into revealing details of a 1979 "Orgy of the little people" in Pittsburgh, in which he took part in group sex with a professional wrestling troupe of male midgets.

Seen in the above photo, Senator Lieberman reminisces about wrestler Lil' Rambone of the Gay Caballeros, and how "he was just about this tall you see, I think you all get the picture". Liebermans handlers moved then to clear the stage, but were driven back when Lieberman took up the convention's giant gavel and leveled a blow to a young intern, severely injuring her. The crowd at this point erupted in chaos, provoking security to mace and taze several members of the Florida delegation, including Bush family member LaFonda Washington-Bush. President George Bush is said to have watched the events unfold on closed-circuit tv, from a bunker under the convention floor, and to have remarked "this is better than Survivor!"

The disruption ended with Lieberman urinating in a potted palm near the western edge of the stage, and then collapsing unconscious. He was dragged quickly behind a curtain. Neither the Lieberman or Republican camps had any comment.