Dick Cheney Kicked to Curb

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shown being wheeled into a restroom during the inauguration of Barack Obama, was apparently injured in a confrontation with a disgruntled servant. Reports had initially detailed "box moving" as the culprit in relegating Cheney to a wheelchair for the inauguration ceremony. However, it has been confirmed that it was in fact a fistfight with Roland Nood, an outgoing houseboy with the vice-Presidential residence. Describing the event as a "beatdown", witnesses which included several laborers with a moving company detailed hearing Cheney make a "remark" about Nood's height. "Roland's tough, he's short you know but he's bad and he just had enough of that Cheney I guess, who knows. Hell, I just wanted to get that box of tubes out to the van" said staffer Roy Hilton. Other staffers told stories of "getting the business" from the Vice President during his tenure, and were in strong support of Nood's reaction. It was also reported that though a secret service detail was in place at the time, no immediate effort was made to
separate the men and that the pummeling was stopped only to cease the "horrible wails and shrieks" that came from Dick Cheney. Nood was not arrested.

JESUS: The Interview, Part II

EDITOR"S NOTE: This is the second installment of the Roger Ninepipe interview with Jesus, from Charles Barley's poolside cabana in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Roger Ninepipe: Jesus, let's talk a bit on current events. We have a new President here in the States, did you follow the election?

JC: Yes.

RN: Your thoughts?

JC: Well, to say the least, it was nice to see Americans pull their heads out of their proverbial rear-ends. Obama is the real deal there, a natural leader of this country as opposed to a corporate figurehead, which is what you had for the past eight years.
To say that I was shocked at the performance of this Bush/Cheney disaster? Really? I have not seen a more dangerous group of men and women hold power over a free people in human history. It has always taken totalitarianism in some form or fashion, a dictator with unchecked control for example, to inflict such heavy-handedness upon a system. But you all let it happen. Yes, I know all about the vast numbers who disagreed with this agenda, but where did that lead? Reelection is what happened, and another four years of these greedy bastards. I'll give you the Supreme court fiasco that put this idiocy in motion, but to reelect this group of evil clowns... I hate to say it, but you got what you deserved.

RN: Whew.

JC: Hey, you wanted the word, yes? I will tell you one thing: there is going to be some very nervous souls approaching the Pearly Gates in the next few years. I am going to take a very personal involvement on those dates. Let's just say, fellas, if your last name rhymes with sheney, or moolfowitz, or bumsfeld then you better plan on a very warm eternity.

RN: What about rhymes with tush? Haven't you forgot about him?

JC: The jury is out on that fellow, there is quite a bit of gray area there. George has a pair of very dirty hands, but to the extent that he knowingly participated in malfeasance and evil well, we are talking about a man of very limited intelligence here.

RN: Many people honestly believe that his goonery and buffoonery has been an act, and that he is much smarter than he has let on.

JC: Nope. He's a doofus for sure, with the IQ and emotional maturity of a seventeen year-old high school dropout. He believes what he is told, and they told him some very heavy things. He's not off the hook by any means, there's a lot that he's accountable for and he certainly has some work to do with his soulful future, but I have hope. The others? Michael Vick has a better chance of becoming president of the ASPCA. It just isn't going to happen.

RN: Let's talk economy. How about this bailout for corporate America?

JC: You all know where I stand on greed and avarice. THE RICHEST 300,000 AMERICANS HAVE A GREATER INCOME THAN THE BOTTOM 150 MILLION. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the American government takes care of it's own. These CEOs are literally stealing from the American public, and laughing all the way. Again, I will be taking a very active role in the soulful journeys of these characters. Let me give you a hint Roger, there a re very few people of wealth where I come from. For any number of reasons, they just don't seem to get it in time. Your system is a culpable enabler, it does not reward selfless wealth and development. I see great potential in capitalism, it just is not being handled correctly.

RN: But Obama, you endorse his leadership?

JC: I have an Obamanos! sticker on my Volvo. We have a good relationship, he and I. You all are in good hands with that bunch, a very good family there. His wife is going to surprise a lot of folks with her work, and those kids are going to be an inspiration. Also, I have to tell you this, his brother-in-law Craig Robinson is in his first year of coaching the Oregon State Beavers basketball team. It's been said that it would take an act of God to put a winner back on the court in Corvallis. Keep an eye on that team and that coach, that's all I am saying.

NEXT in Part III: The lighter side of JC

Straight Talkin' Jesus: The Interview

We here at the Treehorn are happy to announce the return of JESUS! Roger Ninepipe (RN) interviews the King, poolside from Chuck Barkley's house in Scottsdale Arizona. Here is part one.

RN: It's great to see you again Jesus, welcome!
JC: Hello Roger, it's good to be here.
RN: Firstly, let me tell you, that shirt is fantastic. Is it an actual Papa Johns uniform?
JC: It's the real deal. I have been delivering pies for a couple of weeks now, I've learned quite a bit.
RN: It appeared that you were dropped off here for the interview by Michael Bolton, are you two working together?
JC: Mike is managing the Division street location, he's been great. My first day I was stiffed on two large Hawaiian luau specials, that is about a thirty-five dollar loss. Mike was a little upset but really stayed supportive, the patience of Job with this guy! My final day is next wednesday, and Mike has promised to take me golfing.
RN: Mercy!
JC: I'll say.
RN: It was nice of Charles Barkley to let us get together here by his pool. How did you come to choose this location?
JC: Chuck has had some troubles with his driving of recent, but we actually were already close. I first got to know him through a ventriloquist class that he was teaching last year over at the community college.
RN: You're joking!
JC: Why would I lie? I love the old vaudvillian arts, and I've wanted to try my hand since meeting Waylon Flowers at a Hollywood Squares reunion a while back (Jesus motion towards the heavens at this point). Interestingly, his mortal life ended when he was beaten to death with his own dummy, that outrageous Madame. You know, for a while there I really thought she was alive.
RN: I am speechless.
JC: Anyway, Charles is a really terrific ventriloquist. He has an act with an old-west era asian dummy. They have a schtik set up around building the railroads that will make you pee in your pants. Very un-PC however.
RN: Now I've heard it all.
JC: Not even close my friend.

Next in part II: Jesus talks bailout.