Monday, June 9, 2008

Golf Maniac Wreaks Havoc!

(click to enlarge photo)
AP: Sprit Lake Idaho. A deranged Moscow man, shown here wielding a golf club as the attack began, injured several easy-going men late Sunday afternoon. The men, all members of the local Enlarged Prostate Organization (EPO) were enjoying a barbeque when the attack occurred. "I had reached down for my O'Douls when I saw this blur out of my left eye", said a shaken and visibly welted Dan Mack. "I was lucky and got the jump I needed to get over the rail and into the lake, where I believed he would not follow me. I was wrong however, as he did chase me into the lake," Mack remembers diving below the surface, which slowed the attackers progress, "but he kept coming, and he had sunglasses on, which confused me." Fellow EPO member Brian Brisco, who was recovering from multiple lacerations, reported to police that the suspect was known to all involved, he was identified as former EPO member Gomez "Joe" Roacho.

"I can't believe that he attacked us in this way", said Brisco. "It wasn't even a full golf club, just the shaft, so he was able to really whip us good. I guess it probably had something to do with his being kicked out of the EPO last month." Apparently Roacho was asked to leave the group when it was discovered he had actually faked his prostate enlargement. Police spokesman Honey Goldberg called the attack "puzzling and fiendish", pledging his department's full support in apprehending the suspect.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Straight Talkin' Jesus: Gas Prices

(Editors note: This is the first official posting from our newest correspondent Straight Talkin' Jesus)
Cody, Wyoming. Greetings everyone, reaching out to you from the frontier. I just got back from touring the country in my Minnibago, picking up on the vibe of this great land and I got to tell you, things are darker than Dick Cheney's soul out there.
What I want to talk about today is my gas tank, and how many dang dollars are going in. Granted, I could fill the thing with water, wave my hand a time or two and drive on, but I want to roll like the rest of you. A trip to the local gas station isn't like back in the day, when good ol' Goober would fill 'er up, check the oil, and sell you a pickled gizzard, all for ten bucks. These days you will burn up ten dollars just idling at the stop light, for Me sakes! No wonder the prayers that are pouring in now, most of them asking of heart attacks for corporate oil CEO's. I have to admit I am tempted, but striking down these fat cats won't help and anyway, they'll be getting their due eventually.

I will tell you this, if you voted for Bush then you brought this on yourself. I don't feel the least bit sorry for those of you who helped put that jackass in charge, and if you are in that group of idiots who voted for the guy... Well, your'e on your own now. Let's see, what line of work are Bushies knee deep in? It isn't Soul Glo, I'll tell you that much. So everyone is bent out of shape now, cursing Exxon/Mobil and regretting terribly the decision to buy that big-ass Escalade a couple of years ago (damn Sopranos). Folks, when you have a president who likes to take walks holding hands with the Saudi Crown Prince, you have a problem. Also, if you were dumb enough to buy a ride that sucks gas, even though you new damn well you didn't need that monster truck, then you are paying for your pride now, bub.

Me? I just picked up a used Vespa to scoot around town, and this makes for fewer trips to the town pump. It also makes for some weird looks. Looks like I'm going to have to go with a different wardrobe when I'm on two wheels. J out!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Straight Talkin' Jesus Comes Aboard!

A Treehorn Exclusive from Cody, Wyoming. It was announced today that Straight Talkin' Jesus has joined the Treehorn Group as a special correspondent and will soon begin regular postings from around the globe.

"I have to say that I am very excited to be involved with this project, and am looking forward to discussing candidly the state of affairs as I see them", said a tanned and relaxed STJ, "I have enjoyed my time off, and I am itchin' to get back in the loop, as they say".

STJ's first official post will come June 7.