Monday, February 16, 2009

Gay Caballeros get a Boehner!

(Washington AP) The now infamous 1979 "Orgy of the Little People", which was brought to mass media attention by Senator Joe Lieberman (treehorn! 9/03/08), has seen it's legend grow with the announcement that Republican House Majority leader John Boehner was a participant in the midget wrestling troupe's Pittsburgh sexcapade.

"I'm here to talk about how the Democrats are ruining the country, what with their condoms and their education and all...I'm not here to rehash some night thirty years ago, with Lil' Rambone, who was just about this tall..." (the accompanying gesture is pictured above). After further railing against Democrat's 'foul' morality, Boehner was asked if this wasn't hypocritical posturing,
"I don't see what the damn hippos have to do with it! For Christ's sake, I've never been to Africa." With that, Boehner stormed from the podium, loudly berating the 'liberal press' and shouting to an assistant to "Get Hannity on the goddamn phone!".

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Michael Phelps party photographer revealed!

Gossip mongers TMZ today revealed the identity of the college student responsible for the cellphone bong photo of Olympic hero Michael Phelps. Frederick Bard-Muntz, seen here in a University of South Carolina yearbook photo, had admitted to taking the photo and also to having no regrets as to the publicity surrounding it. "He's a jock and he comes all in the party and he's like, hey everybody! I'm Mike Phelps! And I'm like, so who the hell cares? And he's like, I'm getting all these college girls! But I was there before him and I almost said Hi to one of those girls. So I like, yell at him 'hey floogart', which is obviously Klingon for ass**le, and he doesn't even know what that means, then he like burped real loud and I took out the iphone and got him when he took his turn on the ootnit, which is obviously Klingon for bong. If he has problems then he deserved it, stupid flerf."

Late Saturday, Bard-Muntz was arrested by Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, and was charged with "photographing marijuana in the process of being smoked" which oddly enough carries a stiffer sentence than actually smoking the pot. Gnorf enocgh!

Etrade Baby clipped for Reefer Madness

New York, NY (UPI) 
The latest salvo in the war on celebrity herb enthusiasts was felt today as spokesmen for online stock trading company Etrade announced that Ron Fardner was released from his contract. Known as the talking baby in the company's series of popular television commercials, Fardner had achieved international fame and was recently signed to a multi-picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

The fallout was a result of a series of controversial photos, one of which is shown here, which were leaked to the media showing Fardner smoking what appears to be marijuana from a Blackberry model pipe. Fardner reps released a statement from the actor in which he admits being present at the college party where the photo was taken, but denies that he was smoking the Blackberry but rather "gumming" the device to sooth emerging teeth.