Predictions 2010 & 2009!

I am sad to have to predict the death of BEAVIS cartoon inspiration Ray-Joe Lee Jack, a dancer from Austin.  Mr. Jack will die horrifically by trebuchet.  Go ahead, look up that word.  As you can see, it is a machine of menace. My psychic powers were put to the test in 2009, and came through dramatically with the accurate prediction that comedian Carrot Top (story link above right) would kill a commercial airline pilot .  He did just that in June, and I was not surprised.    Well, good luck to the rest of you this year!

STRAIGHT TALKING JESUS: Feliz Navidad to Me!

Had breakfast with my friend Javier this morning, it was on a passing taco cart that he spotted this sticker.  I had cafe con leche coming out my nose I laughed so hard.  It's funny 'cause it's true.   I want to send belated shout-outs to dandy Don Weber and the millions like him, who prayed so terrifically that they wouldn't need to be working today. Sorry pal, guess I got a little behind. Take heart, all you working stiffs on memas eve, three-day weekend!   Adios amigos...

STRAIGHT TALKIN' JESUS: Holiday message

Hello all, Jesus here.  I am happy to again post as special correspondent to the TREEHORN collection.  I am lounging in sunny Mexico during this holiday season, and at this moment enjoying some kick-ass mariachi, as you can clearly see.  I wanted to send out my greetings and conveyance of hope to all who despair, you know what they say, "The last shall be First".  Of course that notion is wishful thinking, just like health care reform.

I see that the Balloon Boy's dad is going to jail for causing a fiasco with his fakery.  Nothing shows the true state of society than a guy faking his own son's balloon tragedy, just so he could be as famous as an Octomom, whatever the hell that is.  Why is he the only one doing time?  How many outright lies have representatives of your government told, all very straight-faced, this past year?  I actually know, and it qualifies as a shitload.  A quantifiable load of shit, that's what you have there.

Well, I have to get back to the fiesta. Charo is here, she still has it!
Respect, Jesus.

OREGON DUCK FOOTBALL COACH INJURED

Chip Kelly, the head football coach at the University of Oregon, was injured last night in what college spokesmen are calling "An unfortunate Pep-rally demonstration."

Kelly (seen here in photo of incident) did not respond to calls to his office.  Several unnamed Oregon football players have relayed information acknowledging the incident, referring to it as an "Inspirational moment gone bad."

Jesus: "Oregon State will win the Civil War"

Portland, OR (UPI) In a statement sure to ruffle the feathers of Duck faithful in prisons and welfare lines everywhere, Jesus today announced his pick of the 113th Civil War football game, to be played thursday night in Gommorah-esque Eugene. "They are mostly godless heathens, those duck folk. I won't feel bad at all in putting a grand on the Beavs!"   Jesus added that he will be watching the game with Beaver faithful in Tualatin, Oregon, including famous OSU alumn Todd C Wilson.  Before being whisked away by his assistants, Jesus added "I'm not going anywhere near that Tower of Babel, I'll be with my peeps & Jack on ice."

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Famous Duck Alumns: # 34 Jeffrey Dahmer and #113 Chris Miller

Dahmer, U of O class of '82, is known best for his penchant of eating other humans, he was a roommate of former Oregon quarterback Chris Miller, also a known cannibal.  University of Oregon: Zombie factory.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon State Coach Mike Riley: Made Bear Bryant cry

In the National Championship season of 1973 while playing for the Alabama Crimson Tide, Mike composed and performed a folk song about the legendary gridiron coach Bear Bryant while on the busride to the Sugar Bowl. It was the only known time that Mr.Bryant wept in public.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon coach Chip Kelly: Frightened by Beaver.

Chipper is known for being an original member of the 80's douche-band Men Without Hats.  He is also known to smell like cheese and foot powder.