Gonzo

Oregon Football Coach Arrested

Eugene (UPI) University of Oregon football coach Chip Kelly was arrested in the early morning hours on Saturday, just hours before his team is to face the Oregon State Beavers in the 115th Civil War matchup. Taken into custody at a women's dormitory on campus, Kelly was highly intoxicated and dressed as "Duckman". "I'm Duckman, goddamnit!" screamed Kelly as he was photographed being led to a waiting police van, "You can't touch me! Call Phil Knight!" University spokesmen had no comment, and Kelly is expected to be on the sidelines for today's Civil War game.

University of Oregon: Top Meth Snorters

Eugene (AP)
Drug use at University of Oregon home football games is as common as Willamette Valley rain, but a recent study has the Duck faithful beaming with pride. The big green O finds itself Topping the list of Meth Snorters, as the Federal drug Administration has released its national rankings for 2010-2011 collegiate narcotic abuse. Phil Knight, a noted Oregon Alum, and sneaker salesman, is seen here snorting up a pre-game baggie in the Autzen stadium parking lot earlier this season. Asked whether he was concerned over a Meth cultured image for the Duck, Knight said "How in Hell do you think we come up with those uniform designs?"

Predictions 2010 & 2009!

I am sad to have to predict the death of BEAVIS cartoon inspiration Ray-Joe Lee Jack, a dancer from Austin.  Mr. Jack will die horrifically by trebuchet.  Go ahead, look up that word.  As you can see, it is a machine of menace. My psychic powers were put to the test in 2009, and came through dramatically with the accurate prediction that comedian Carrot Top (story link above right) would kill a commercial airline pilot .  He did just that in June, and I was not surprised.    Well, good luck to the rest of you this year!

STRAIGHT TALKING JESUS: Feliz Navidad to Me!

Had breakfast with my friend Javier this morning, it was on a passing taco cart that he spotted this sticker.  I had cafe con leche coming out my nose I laughed so hard.  It's funny 'cause it's true.   I want to send belated shout-outs to dandy Don Weber and the millions like him, who prayed so terrifically that they wouldn't need to be working today. Sorry pal, guess I got a little behind. Take heart, all you working stiffs on memas eve, three-day weekend!   Adios amigos...

STRAIGHT TALKIN' JESUS: Holiday message

Hello all, Jesus here.  I am happy to again post as special correspondent to the TREEHORN collection.  I am lounging in sunny Mexico during this holiday season, and at this moment enjoying some kick-ass mariachi, as you can clearly see.  I wanted to send out my greetings and conveyance of hope to all who despair, you know what they say, "The last shall be First".  Of course that notion is wishful thinking, just like health care reform.

I see that the Balloon Boy's dad is going to jail for causing a fiasco with his fakery.  Nothing shows the true state of society than a guy faking his own son's balloon tragedy, just so he could be as famous as an Octomom, whatever the hell that is.  Why is he the only one doing time?  How many outright lies have representatives of your government told, all very straight-faced, this past year?  I actually know, and it qualifies as a shitload.  A quantifiable load of shit, that's what you have there.

Well, I have to get back to the fiesta. Charo is here, she still has it!
Respect, Jesus.

OREGON DUCK FOOTBALL COACH INJURED

Chip Kelly, the head football coach at the University of Oregon, was injured last night in what college spokesmen are calling "An unfortunate Pep-rally demonstration."

Kelly (seen here in photo of incident) did not respond to calls to his office.  Several unnamed Oregon football players have relayed information acknowledging the incident, referring to it as an "Inspirational moment gone bad."

Jesus: "Oregon State will win the Civil War"

Portland, OR (UPI) In a statement sure to ruffle the feathers of Duck faithful in prisons and welfare lines everywhere, Jesus today announced his pick of the 113th Civil War football game, to be played thursday night in Gommorah-esque Eugene. "They are mostly godless heathens, those duck folk. I won't feel bad at all in putting a grand on the Beavs!"   Jesus added that he will be watching the game with Beaver faithful in Tualatin, Oregon, including famous OSU alumn Todd C Wilson.  Before being whisked away by his assistants, Jesus added "I'm not going anywhere near that Tower of Babel, I'll be with my peeps & Jack on ice."

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Famous Duck Alumns: # 34 Jeffrey Dahmer and #113 Chris Miller

Dahmer, U of O class of '82, is known best for his penchant of eating other humans, he was a roommate of former Oregon quarterback Chris Miller, also a known cannibal.  University of Oregon: Zombie factory.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon State Coach Mike Riley: Made Bear Bryant cry

In the National Championship season of 1973 while playing for the Alabama Crimson Tide, Mike composed and performed a folk song about the legendary gridiron coach Bear Bryant while on the busride to the Sugar Bowl. It was the only known time that Mr.Bryant wept in public.

CIVIL WAR WEEK! Oregon coach Chip Kelly: Frightened by Beaver.

Chipper is known for being an original member of the 80's douche-band Men Without Hats.  He is also known to smell like cheese and foot powder.

Dick Armey: Right-Wing Army of idiots.

Washington (AP) Former US representative Richard K. "Dick" Armey said today that he owed much of his career success to the fact that "Right-wingers are mostly idiots, which makes them so easy to control". Speaking before a packed house at the Dulles airport AmericaInn, Armey delivered his message of "straight-talk" to a crowd consisting mainly of members of the FreedomWorks right-wing propaganda machine. The apparent insult didn't seem to have any negative affect upon the conservatives, in fact just the opposite as the room of red faced white people frothed at the mouth as Armey openly denounced their collective intelligence.

("Dick"Armey pictured at the event demonstrating a Karate move alongside his constant companion, the Disgraced Tom delay, who spoke nothing but seemed to be mouthing silently word-for-word Armey's speech, while frozen in place with a glazed look in his eyes)

 After leaving the podium, Armey was asked to clarify his remarks and said only "These people know what I'm talking about, they want it loud and with no intellectual bs." He then added, "Obama has more brains in one of his farts than we have here in FreedomWorks, but that's not what counts you see".  Before hoisting Delay upon his shoulder and slipping out of the service access, Armey wrapped up his speech to delirious applause by reciting the FreedomWorks credo: "We're not smart, we're just right or more good",

Velazquez mystery revealed!

Madrid: 356 years ago, Diego Velazquez delivered a cryptic message painted as a reflection in a palace mirror. The image, receded in the background of one of the world's greatest paintings titled "Las Meninas", has baffled scholars since the artwork went on public display 200 years ago.  
Technology, it seems, has at long last revealed the ghostly image in clarity, and that clarity has produced a shocking revelation: Irish balladeer Bono has lived for at least 400 years.

Representatives of the Prado museum disclosed the eerie visage before a room of shocked reporters and dignitaries. A recent maintenance and cleaning of the masterwork gave opporunity for an array of high-tech gadgetry that was used in scanning the painting for the first time in seventeen years. " I terrifically shocked!" announced Brettelo Mosherino, a Velazquez specialty curator for the Prado. "There had been the rumors you see, but we all thought them funny business, now I see for myself and I am wondering like everyone, who is this Bono?" A news conference scheduled for Friday afternoon in Dublin could shed some light upon that subject, as handlers for the rock and roll band U2 have hastily arranged a briefing in the Dublin docklands.

STRAIGHT TALKIN' JESUS: Limbaugh in Satanic pact.

Today,with millions praying for a Rush Limbaugh heart attack, Jesus donned his straight talkin' hat and posted this dispatch from the road.

STJ: Salutations all, Jesus here. I want to let people know that I have heard the pleas for the death of Mr. Limbaugh, and I have to tell you all, there is nothing I can do. You'll have to send your requests to Satan for this one, he's had the papers on Limbaugh for several years now.

Apparently, it was the depths of an Oxycontin bender in 2005 that had Rush sell out the remaining interest on his withered soul while on a drug junket to Havana. Coincidentally, Limbaugh did indeed have recent heart failure and was clinically dead for thirty-seven minutes this past Monday before being "miraculously" revived. It was the eleventh heart attack and eighth death that Limbaugh has suffered since signing his deal with the Devil. Sadly for this world however, the republican party and Beelzebub have a deal in place that will keep Rush alive for at least seven more months, with an option on monthly roll-overs after that. Rush Limbaugh is indeed far from alone in this, as the Republicans have a veritable Satan's Army on their payroll.

Well, everyone take care, we'll talk soon. Jesus.

Gay Caballeros get a Boehner!

(Washington AP) The now infamous 1979 "Orgy of the Little People", which was brought to mass media attention by Senator Joe Lieberman (treehorn! 9/03/08), has seen it's legend grow with the announcement that Republican House Majority leader John Boehner was a participant in the midget wrestling troupe's Pittsburgh sexcapade.

"I'm here to talk about how the Democrats are ruining the country, what with their condoms and their education and all...I'm not here to rehash some night thirty years ago, with Lil' Rambone, who was just about this tall..." (the accompanying gesture is pictured above). After further railing against Democrat's 'foul' morality, Boehner was asked if this wasn't hypocritical posturing,
"I don't see what the damn hippos have to do with it! For Christ's sake, I've never been to Africa." With that, Boehner stormed from the podium, loudly berating the 'liberal press' and shouting to an assistant to "Get Hannity on the goddamn phone!".

Michael Phelps party photographer revealed!

Gossip mongers TMZ today revealed the identity of the college student responsible for the cellphone bong photo of Olympic hero Michael Phelps. Frederick Bard-Muntz, seen here in a University of South Carolina yearbook photo, had admitted to taking the photo and also to having no regrets as to the publicity surrounding it. "He's a jock and he comes all in the party and he's like, hey everybody! I'm Mike Phelps! And I'm like, so who the hell cares? And he's like, I'm getting all these college girls! But I was there before him and I almost said Hi to one of those girls. So I like, yell at him 'hey floogart', which is obviously Klingon for ass**le, and he doesn't even know what that means, then he like burped real loud and I took out the iphone and got him when he took his turn on the ootnit, which is obviously Klingon for bong. If he has problems then he deserved it, stupid flerf."

Late Saturday, Bard-Muntz was arrested by Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, and was charged with "photographing marijuana in the process of being smoked" which oddly enough carries a stiffer sentence than actually smoking the pot. Gnorf enocgh!

Etrade Baby clipped for Reefer Madness

New York, NY (UPI) 

The latest salvo in the war on celebrity herb enthusiasts was felt today as spokesmen for online stock trading company Etrade announced that Ron Fardner was released from his contract. Known as the talking baby in the company's series of popular television commercials, Fardner had achieved international fame and was recently signed to a multi-picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

The fallout was a result of a series of controversial photos, one of which is shown here, which were leaked to the media showing Fardner smoking what appears to be marijuana from a Blackberry model pipe. Fardner reps released a statement from the actor in which he admits being present at the college party where the photo was taken, but denies that he was smoking the Blackberry but rather "gumming" the device to sooth emerging teeth.

Dick Cheney Kicked to Curb

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, shown being wheeled into a restroom during the inauguration of Barack Obama, was apparently injured in a confrontation with a disgruntled servant. Reports had initially detailed "box moving" as the culprit in relegating Cheney to a wheelchair for the inauguration ceremony. However, it has been confirmed that it was in fact a fistfight with Roland Nood, an outgoing houseboy with the vice-Presidential residence. Describing the event as a "beatdown", witnesses which included several laborers with a moving company detailed hearing Cheney make a "remark" about Nood's height. "Roland's tough, he's short you know but he's bad and he just had enough of that Cheney I guess, who knows. Hell, I just wanted to get that box of tubes out to the van" said staffer Roy Hilton. Other staffers told stories of "getting the business" from the Vice President during his tenure, and were in strong support of Nood's reaction. It was also reported that though a secret service detail was in place at the time, no immediate effort was made to
separate the men and that the pummeling was stopped only to cease the "horrible wails and shrieks" that came from Dick Cheney. Nood was not arrested.

JESUS: The Interview, Part II

EDITOR"S NOTE: This is the second installment of the Roger Ninepipe interview with Jesus, from Charles Barley's poolside cabana in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Roger Ninepipe: Jesus, let's talk a bit on current events. We have a new President here in the States, did you follow the election?

JC: Yes.

RN: Your thoughts?

JC: Well, to say the least, it was nice to see Americans pull their heads out of their proverbial rear-ends. Obama is the real deal there, a natural leader of this country as opposed to a corporate figurehead, which is what you had for the past eight years.
To say that I was shocked at the performance of this Bush/Cheney disaster? Really? I have not seen a more dangerous group of men and women hold power over a free people in human history. It has always taken totalitarianism in some form or fashion, a dictator with unchecked control for example, to inflict such heavy-handedness upon a system. But you all let it happen. Yes, I know all about the vast numbers who disagreed with this agenda, but where did that lead? Reelection is what happened, and another four years of these greedy bastards. I'll give you the Supreme court fiasco that put this idiocy in motion, but to reelect this group of evil clowns... I hate to say it, but you got what you deserved.

RN: Whew.

JC: Hey, you wanted the word, yes? I will tell you one thing: there is going to be some very nervous souls approaching the Pearly Gates in the next few years. I am going to take a very personal involvement on those dates. Let's just say, fellas, if your last name rhymes with sheney, or moolfowitz, or bumsfeld then you better plan on a very warm eternity.

RN: What about rhymes with tush? Haven't you forgot about him?

JC: The jury is out on that fellow, there is quite a bit of gray area there. George has a pair of very dirty hands, but to the extent that he knowingly participated in malfeasance and evil well, we are talking about a man of very limited intelligence here.

RN: Many people honestly believe that his goonery and buffoonery has been an act, and that he is much smarter than he has let on.

JC: Nope. He's a doofus for sure, with the IQ and emotional maturity of a seventeen year-old high school dropout. He believes what he is told, and they told him some very heavy things. He's not off the hook by any means, there's a lot that he's accountable for and he certainly has some work to do with his soulful future, but I have hope. The others? Michael Vick has a better chance of becoming president of the ASPCA. It just isn't going to happen.

RN: Let's talk economy. How about this bailout for corporate America?

JC: You all know where I stand on greed and avarice. THE RICHEST 300,000 AMERICANS HAVE A GREATER INCOME THAN THE BOTTOM 150 MILLION. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the American government takes care of it's own. These CEOs are literally stealing from the American public, and laughing all the way. Again, I will be taking a very active role in the soulful journeys of these characters. Let me give you a hint Roger, there a re very few people of wealth where I come from. For any number of reasons, they just don't seem to get it in time. Your system is a culpable enabler, it does not reward selfless wealth and development. I see great potential in capitalism, it just is not being handled correctly.

RN: But Obama, you endorse his leadership?

JC: I have an Obamanos! sticker on my Volvo. We have a good relationship, he and I. You all are in good hands with that bunch, a very good family there. His wife is going to surprise a lot of folks with her work, and those kids are going to be an inspiration. Also, I have to tell you this, his brother-in-law Craig Robinson is in his first year of coaching the Oregon State Beavers basketball team. It's been said that it would take an act of God to put a winner back on the court in Corvallis. Keep an eye on that team and that coach, that's all I am saying.

NEXT in Part III: The lighter side of JC

Straight Talkin' Jesus: The Interview

We here at the Treehorn are happy to announce the return of JESUS! Roger Ninepipe (RN) interviews the King, poolside from Chuck Barkley's house in Scottsdale Arizona. Here is part one.

RN: It's great to see you again Jesus, welcome!
JC: Hello Roger, it's good to be here.
RN: Firstly, let me tell you, that shirt is fantastic. Is it an actual Papa Johns uniform?
JC: It's the real deal. I have been delivering pies for a couple of weeks now, I've learned quite a bit.
RN: It appeared that you were dropped off here for the interview by Michael Bolton, are you two working together?
JC: Mike is managing the Division street location, he's been great. My first day I was stiffed on two large Hawaiian luau specials, that is about a thirty-five dollar loss. Mike was a little upset but really stayed supportive, the patience of Job with this guy! My final day is next wednesday, and Mike has promised to take me golfing.
RN: Mercy!
JC: I'll say.
RN: It was nice of Charles Barkley to let us get together here by his pool. How did you come to choose this location?
JC: Chuck has had some troubles with his driving of recent, but we actually were already close. I first got to know him through a ventriloquist class that he was teaching last year over at the community college.
RN: You're joking!
JC: Why would I lie? I love the old vaudvillian arts, and I've wanted to try my hand since meeting Waylon Flowers at a Hollywood Squares reunion a while back (Jesus motion towards the heavens at this point). Interestingly, his mortal life ended when he was beaten to death with his own dummy, that outrageous Madame. You know, for a while there I really thought she was alive.
RN: I am speechless.
JC: Anyway, Charles is a really terrific ventriloquist. He has an act with an old-west era asian dummy. They have a schtik set up around building the railroads that will make you pee in your pants. Very un-PC however.
RN: Now I've heard it all.
JC: Not even close my friend.

Next in part II: Jesus talks bailout.